Mara Liasson Bound and Gagged and Naked

Mara Liasson naked, bound, gagged and in the hands of a slaver. National Public Radio has fallen on hard times, indeed! Those Republicans can be so cruel!
It's beg week on NPR (National Public Radio) and as usual that means that the local NPR affiliate is pretty much useless unless you enjoy being relentlessly guilt-tripped. However I did happen to tune in yesterday and I discovered that Ira Glass, normally one of the most annoying of the guilt-trippers, has actually come up with a pretty good shtick.

Glass calls people who have pledged to NPR in the past and tries to persuade them that they should personally pledge enough money to cover the funds needed to cover the pledge drive's goal.

This is generally a ridiculously high pledge, like $46 million. Then he lets them bargain him down to actual pledge amounts, like 27 cents, a stick of chewing gum and some pocket lint, to show that it's important to pledge so a few people don't have to carry everybody else.

It made me wonder what might happen if Ira Glass were to try that on me. It might go something like this ...

ME: Hello?

IRA: Hello, this is Ira Glass of National Public Radio. Am I speaking to Pat Powers?

ME: Ira Glass? Really? I guess you're ready to do that Firsts in Bondage History thing I proposed for NPR a while back. Huzzah!

IRA: What? Firsts in Bondage History? I'm not ...

ME: Yeah, you know, a special program for NPR on the first appearances of bondage imagery in mainstream movies and TV shows -- ballgags, bitgags, hogties, shibari bondage -- all the things you never see in STANDARD television histories. Of course, there are a few technical issues to deal with, radio being such a relentlessly not visual medium, but I'm sure we can work things out.

IRA: Mr. Powers ...

ME: Of course, it's been quite a while since I sent in that story proposal. I guess it got misfiled, eh?

IRA: Well the truth is, I'm not ... I don't have anything with evaluating new programming for NPR. I'm calling you about an entirely different matter.

ME (disappointed): Oh. I see. Still misfiled, I guess. Well, why are you calling then?

IRA: I'm calling, Mr. Powers to give you a great opportunity. The opportunity to pledge enough money to end our spring fund drive!

ME: I have to tell you, Ira, when people call me on the phone offering great opportunities, my first instinct is to hide my wallet and change the password on my bank account. How much money do you want me to pledge?

IRA: Just 46 million dollars should do it!

ME: 46 million? Damn, that's got to have one HELL of a premium attached to it. I mean, a monogrammed drink cozy just won't cut it for that much.

IRA: It would be a wonderful premium, certainly!

ME: All righty then, how about this: I pledge $46 million, I get Mara Liasson as my personal slave.

IRA: What? I can't, I don't ...

ME: C'mon, Ira, we're talking 46 million big ones here! Doesn't the prospect of getting a $46 million pledge get that can-do spirit going in you?

IRA: (suddenly realizing that auctioning off people as "slaves" is an old fund raising technique in charities and schools and so forth, and thinking this is probably what is being referred to): Well, for how long would you want her? A day? A week?

ME: Ira! I'm not pledging 46 million smackers for a RENTAL! If I make that pledge, Mara Liasson is MINE! I OWN her! Like I own my cell phone, or my computer. And she'll have just about much say as my computer as far as what I plug into which port, if you know what I mean.

IRA: I'm pretty sure I DON'T know what you mean, and that I don't WANT to know what you mean!

ME: Works for me! As long as I get Mara delivered to my place bound and gagged and ready for use, I don't much care if you know what I mean. So we got a deal?

IRA: Mr. Powers, I just don't think we can accept your pledge under those circumstances.

ME: I see. So first you're pimping Mara out big time but if you get a taker, you're not interested! The old bait and switch! What are you actually peddling? Cokie Roberts in a maid's uniform? Don't expect any 46 million dollar pledges with that kind of goods offered as a premium!


Sorry, just not worth 46 million dollars.
IRA: This is not a bait and switch! I did NOT offer Mara Liasson to you to be your ... anything!

ME: Let's not quibble about who offered who to whom! The fact is that SOMEONE pimped Mara Liasson to me in exchange for a 46 million dollar pledge, and I'm pretty sure it was you! And the only HONORABLE thing you can do now is come through on the deal.

IRA: I am NOT a PIMP!!!!!

ME: Well, obviously, not full time -- you've got that American Experience thingie going as your main gig, which is a good thing, because you are a TERRIBLE pimp. We all know you public radio guys have to wear a lot of hats to make ends meet. Now who do I make the check out to, and how long before Mara shows up at my door all bound and gagged? And don't give me any of that "must wait four to six weeks for delivery" crap! If 46 million doesn't include rush shipping, nothing does!

IRA (trying another tack): Mr. Powers, do you even HAVE 46 million dollars to back your pledge?

ME: Of course I do. I'm a big-time bondage porn blogger and website owner. And everybody knows that Internet porn is a multi-billion dollar business. So, by extension, I must be worth millions, right?

IRA: I ... don't know ...

ME: Well, it's kinda like the actual unemployment figures or the relative value of anything in the federal budget, kinda hard to figure.

IRA: Ah. I know about those numbers. You are saying you are dead broke.

ME: Well, let's just say I am as likely to write a non-bouncy check for $46 million as Mara Liasson is to come through if I DID write such a check.

IRA: I see. Good day, Mr. Powers.

ME: Good day to you, Ira. Say, would a $30 donation get me a blow …

click.

Why Flash Gordon should be improved, not cancelled

I've been watching Flash Gordon for all four episodes now. I was afraid it would be as bad as it is, or worse, but I was dismayed to discover that it's even worse than it actually is. The whole project reeks of stupidity, desperation and low budgets, combined with a profound disrespect for the canon that Flash Gordon is based on.

Still, I think we, the 300 or so loyal viewers of Flash Gordon, should do our best to get Flash Gordon improved, rather than call for its cancellation, because with Flash Gordon we know we have a property that has great POTENTIAL. It could be an incredibly good show, if the creators paid some attention to what has gone before and why people have found it appealing. Clearly, they have not done so as yet, but it could happen, and if it did, we'd be in a much better position than if it didn't.

And as a practical matter, it's very rare when a good property comes up for development and anything actually happens. Mostly, Hollywood types just talk about how much they'd like to do them then they rush off to do, "Face Ripper IV: This Time It's Facial!" Just ask all the John Carter of Mars fans, which I believe has never been made into a movie or a TV series, despite being the granddaddy of 'em all.

There's also the fact that SciFi Channel has a painful, really painful track record with original series. For every brilliant series like Eureka, there's ... everything else the SciFi Channel has ever done as an original series.

I mean, come on, can you see what kind of series the SciFi Channel might come up with if left entirely to its own devices? Hell, they're hard pressed enough to distinguish between science fiction and wrestling. Imagine the shows that would be pitched ...

SCIFI: So what do you have for us today, Mr. Hammi?

Hammi: I have a program that will be a cost-effective ratings bonanza. It's called "The Walker In the Woods." It's about a man in gray sweatpants who's walking in the woods at night. Since it's at night, it won't be so evident that it's set in Vancouver -- seems to be a bit of a sore point with many viewers. Anyway, this man walks through these dark woods at night. Why is he there? Who is he? He doesn't know. At various points, people come out o the woods and confront him. People from his past? His future? His imagination? We don't know. Sometimes his conversations with these people leads to flashbacks, or maybe flash forwards, of scenes from what might be the guy's past or future, their frequency being a matter of budget. Because the thing is, this show could be NOTHING but this guy walking in the woods, if we want it to. Production values will be next to nothing, because there'll be no sets, just actors hanging out in the woods.

SCI-FI: But where's the sci-fi aspect to this? (ED NOTE: We know Sci-Fi would never ask any such question about a prospective show, we're just including this for the sake of sarcasm.)

Hammi: Well, at various points in the walk we thought there might be lights and scary noises, you know, "woo-oo-ooo-oo!" And some of the beings that appear might not be human.

SCIFI: So how does this mystery resolve? Who is this guy? Why is he in the woods?

Hammi: Oh, the mystery doesn't resolve. He just keeps wandering around while more tantalizing hints about him are dropped. When the show ends, we'll leave it unresolved and have various cast members theorize about what it was all about, but come to no clear conclusions.

SCIFI: Well, that's a distinct possibility for our schedule. You have a strong grasp of our budgeting model. What else have you got?

HAMMI: Well, we have a new idea for a reality show with a science fiction twist, "Dancing Slavegirls of Mars." Contestants wear belly dance outfits or thong bikinis and dance in front of a blue screen against which we'll project old illustrations from the Burroughs books about Mars -- they're all over the Web, so they'll be dirt cheap, if not free. So then judges pick the best dancer each week and at the end, the winner gets a small amount of cash and a guest starring role in some SciFi Channel series or other.

SCIFI: And how will contestants be selected?

HAMMI: Oh, the usual way. They show up for auditions, the pretty ones are picked from an en masse audition on-stage, then we winnow out the pretty ones with a 15-minute behind closed doors audition where they do whatever it is they can do to make us think they're the ones we should pick. Then we pass them on to you to audition the finalists.

SCIFI: OK, that's in the lineup for sure. What else have you got?

HAMMI: We've got another economically efficient series called "the unlost room." See, there's this hotel room that's been caught in the biggest transdimensional rift since the Tunguska event. There are five people trapped in it initially. Every time someone tries to go out the front door or a window, they come back in the closet. Every time someone tries to exit via the closet, there's no exit from it. What's more, the room is filled with objects that have mysterious, intriguing, yet inexpensive properties. Like there's an alarm clock that can melt cheese. And a remote control that can change the channels on the TV set AND rearrange socks in a drawer. And the TV set -- it's also capable of rearranging the molecular structure of guest towels so that when you wring them out, hot coffee pours out of them! Everybody is trying to figure out how they got there, because the other gimmick is, sometimes when people go out the front door, someone ELSE comes in the closet. And they have no idea how they got there or what's going on. Sometimes they have mysterious objects with them, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they know people who are already in the room, sometimes they don't. There's a mysterious bond that binds them all together, but no one knows what it is.

SCIFI: I don't know if I like that title. Sounds a little ... actionable.

Hammi: We were going to call it "Trapped In the Closet" or "No Exit" but then people started laughing at us the way they always do when we are doing something really stupid. The point of this show is, as far as you're concerned: one set, just one set, the motel room. We're talking major-league inexpensive science fiction here.

SCIFI: OK, I like it, we can work on the name later. We need a replacement for Eureka, Stargate Atlantis and, well, most of our schedule anyway. These will be a good start toward cost-effective sci-fi programming.

Betty Page and Monica Lewinsky: Birds of A Feather

Commentators on Betty Page sometimes say she had an innocent quality about her. I don't know that I agree with that. I think she probably understood why guys wanted her to pose in the nude, and while playing bondage games. She would have had to have been borderline retarded not to know what was going on there, and the historical record gives no indication that she was.

I think the reason a lot of people look at Page's photos and think "innocent" is that Page owned her sexuality. She was hot and sexy and she knew it, the thingsshe was doing when she posed were hot and sexy and she knew it and enjoyed it, and she was OK with it. It suited her just fine to be a woman whom men would happily photograph whether they had film in their cameras or not.

Page, by all accounts, wanted to be a movie star, but had absolutely no interest in politics. She absolutely did not seek out the role of national icon when she was called before the Kafauver Committee, a 1950s-era assortment of bluenoses determined to stem the rising tide of smut that was threatening to make America sexy. But that's what happened to her, and to her everlasting credit, she didn't wilt before all that official attention from 50s era asshole Estes Kefauver. He worked hard to get her to rat on her friends. But Page stood her ground and owned up to who she was and what she did. She was a lot stronger than any of the men who accused her. Page never claimed that she had been led, or seduced, or entrapped or enticed into her activities by some smooth-talking Lothario, she always accepted responsibility for her actions, which may well be part of the reason she's admired as well as lusted after.

Now, let's look at Monica Lewinsky. She was (and perhaps, is) a sexual adventurer, like Page, except that instead of modelling and posing and so forth, her adventuring was confined to thing itself, i.e., sex, something Page didn't do, so far as we know, and considering how many people have been very interested in knowing, it's probably fair to say, "something she didn't do, period."

There's no doubt Lewinsky was attracted to politics and political men, but there's considerable doubt as to whether or not she ever had any interest in becoming a sex celebrity before the fact. She was definitely interesting in fucking the President, but there's no evidence she wanted to be KNOWN for fucking the President. The deed itself might be all the reward she was looking for, and in the absence of evidence to the contrary, we can reasonably assume that she did not. Remember, she never SOUGHT for her affair to become public, she just ran off at the mouth to a "sympathetic" co-worker, the backstabber Linda Tripp, who promptly spread the news to some Republican gnomes, and the rest is as disgusting a bit of American history as you could ever want to experience.

But like Page, Lewinsky was strong. She owned her sexuality. She never claimed that Clinton had seduced her or led her on. She had seduced him, deliberately, starting with her deliberate thong exposure and moving on to the oral sex.

I admire that. The pressure to say she had been sexually harrassed, used, seduced, etc., must have been tremendous. That disgusting scumbag Ken Starr was surely working to get her to say what was most to the Republicans' political advantage, and what would have been to their advantage would have been for Lewinsky to say that Clinton had FORCED her to give him blowjobs, or at the very least, had awed/intimidated her into giving him one.

But she never did that. She stayed with the truth. She was strong. Like Betty Page was strong half a century ago.

I suspect that's why both women are remembered with a certain sneaking fondness. They were sexual adventurers, but they stood by all that was best about being a sexual adventurer -- they were sexy, bold and strong.

I also suspect that might partly explain the increased interest in Betty Page today. There's a certain echo effect between her and Lewinsky. And in a time dominated by Republican women who would never DARE do anything their men wouldn't approve of, like Laura Bush, or harridans who work through their men to obtain what they want, like Barbara Bush, we can use a few bold, daring, strong, adventurous women.

If I ruled TV

What if all the network and cable TV programmers were all struggling to create programming that suited YOUR tastes instead of that mysterious 18-35 intellectually challenged male that they seem to like? How would that change TV?

 For instance, take my tastes: news programs would be very different. Anytime a political or social figure made a statement it would be rigorously truth-squadded immediately after the statement was aired. Statements contrary to fact or egregious attempts at spin would be relentlessly exposed. There would also be an ombudsman segment where egregious lies by political commentators on other channels would be truth squadded. Any failure to do this would be considered cheap, shoddy journalism. 

 Most entertainment programming would be SciFi, fantasy and action/adventure programming of the sort that used to be commonplace on TV but has disappeared lately in favor of dull reality shows and CSI stuff. The programs would have predictable plots so you could have them on in the background without paying much attention to them while you did interesting stuff on your computer. Whenever anything interesting is about to happen, there'll be musical cues to let you know that a fight or a sex scene or a sense of wonder scene is about to happen, so you can watch. 

 Oh, there'd be sex scenes alrighty, but not enough to slow down the plot. Plenty of nudity, too. Maybe there'd be a secret code you could enter to blip that stuff out if you objected to if. But they'd be there. The most popular cable channel would be Naked Women Dancing with naked women dancing to excellent pop, rock, jazz and so forth music. Maybe a separate Naked Women Dancing Channel for difference kinds of music. The next most popular channel would be Half Naked women dancing. 'Nuff said. 

 There would be a Mythbusters Channel where the "mythbusters" approach of testing various and beliefs and assertions to see how they jibe with reality. It would take on controversial topics like Intelligent Design, the benefits of jailing drug offenders, etc., testing assertions for and against various beliefs as well as is possible and presenting results. There would be plenty of followup shows where objections raised by viewers to procedures, etc., could be dealt with. 

 There would be porn comedies with interesting characters and good plots. They would actually be funny. Those who didn't like them could use the secret code.

 That oughtta do it for now. Many of you might have other ideas on how TV would be different if your tastes controlled the medium. Your call, of course.