Why Flash Gordon should be improved, not cancelled

I've been watching Flash Gordon for all four episodes now. I was afraid it would be as bad as it is, or worse, but I was dismayed to discover that it's even worse than it actually is. The whole project reeks of stupidity, desperation and low budgets, combined with a profound disrespect for the canon that Flash Gordon is based on.

Still, I think we, the 300 or so loyal viewers of Flash Gordon, should do our best to get Flash Gordon improved, rather than call for its cancellation, because with Flash Gordon we know we have a property that has great POTENTIAL. It could be an incredibly good show, if the creators paid some attention to what has gone before and why people have found it appealing. Clearly, they have not done so as yet, but it could happen, and if it did, we'd be in a much better position than if it didn't.

And as a practical matter, it's very rare when a good property comes up for development and anything actually happens. Mostly, Hollywood types just talk about how much they'd like to do them then they rush off to do, "Face Ripper IV: This Time It's Facial!" Just ask all the John Carter of Mars fans, which I believe has never been made into a movie or a TV series, despite being the granddaddy of 'em all.

There's also the fact that SciFi Channel has a painful, really painful track record with original series. For every brilliant series like Eureka, there's ... everything else the SciFi Channel has ever done as an original series.

I mean, come on, can you see what kind of series the SciFi Channel might come up with if left entirely to its own devices? Hell, they're hard pressed enough to distinguish between science fiction and wrestling. Imagine the shows that would be pitched ...

SCIFI: So what do you have for us today, Mr. Hammi?

Hammi: I have a program that will be a cost-effective ratings bonanza. It's called "The Walker In the Woods." It's about a man in gray sweatpants who's walking in the woods at night. Since it's at night, it won't be so evident that it's set in Vancouver -- seems to be a bit of a sore point with many viewers. Anyway, this man walks through these dark woods at night. Why is he there? Who is he? He doesn't know. At various points, people come out o the woods and confront him. People from his past? His future? His imagination? We don't know. Sometimes his conversations with these people leads to flashbacks, or maybe flash forwards, of scenes from what might be the guy's past or future, their frequency being a matter of budget. Because the thing is, this show could be NOTHING but this guy walking in the woods, if we want it to. Production values will be next to nothing, because there'll be no sets, just actors hanging out in the woods.

SCI-FI: But where's the sci-fi aspect to this? (ED NOTE: We know Sci-Fi would never ask any such question about a prospective show, we're just including this for the sake of sarcasm.)

Hammi: Well, at various points in the walk we thought there might be lights and scary noises, you know, "woo-oo-ooo-oo!" And some of the beings that appear might not be human.

SCIFI: So how does this mystery resolve? Who is this guy? Why is he in the woods?

Hammi: Oh, the mystery doesn't resolve. He just keeps wandering around while more tantalizing hints about him are dropped. When the show ends, we'll leave it unresolved and have various cast members theorize about what it was all about, but come to no clear conclusions.

SCIFI: Well, that's a distinct possibility for our schedule. You have a strong grasp of our budgeting model. What else have you got?

HAMMI: Well, we have a new idea for a reality show with a science fiction twist, "Dancing Slavegirls of Mars." Contestants wear belly dance outfits or thong bikinis and dance in front of a blue screen against which we'll project old illustrations from the Burroughs books about Mars -- they're all over the Web, so they'll be dirt cheap, if not free. So then judges pick the best dancer each week and at the end, the winner gets a small amount of cash and a guest starring role in some SciFi Channel series or other.

SCIFI: And how will contestants be selected?

HAMMI: Oh, the usual way. They show up for auditions, the pretty ones are picked from an en masse audition on-stage, then we winnow out the pretty ones with a 15-minute behind closed doors audition where they do whatever it is they can do to make us think they're the ones we should pick. Then we pass them on to you to audition the finalists.

SCIFI: OK, that's in the lineup for sure. What else have you got?

HAMMI: We've got another economically efficient series called "the unlost room." See, there's this hotel room that's been caught in the biggest transdimensional rift since the Tunguska event. There are five people trapped in it initially. Every time someone tries to go out the front door or a window, they come back in the closet. Every time someone tries to exit via the closet, there's no exit from it. What's more, the room is filled with objects that have mysterious, intriguing, yet inexpensive properties. Like there's an alarm clock that can melt cheese. And a remote control that can change the channels on the TV set AND rearrange socks in a drawer. And the TV set -- it's also capable of rearranging the molecular structure of guest towels so that when you wring them out, hot coffee pours out of them! Everybody is trying to figure out how they got there, because the other gimmick is, sometimes when people go out the front door, someone ELSE comes in the closet. And they have no idea how they got there or what's going on. Sometimes they have mysterious objects with them, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they know people who are already in the room, sometimes they don't. There's a mysterious bond that binds them all together, but no one knows what it is.

SCIFI: I don't know if I like that title. Sounds a little ... actionable.

Hammi: We were going to call it "Trapped In the Closet" or "No Exit" but then people started laughing at us the way they always do when we are doing something really stupid. The point of this show is, as far as you're concerned: one set, just one set, the motel room. We're talking major-league inexpensive science fiction here.

SCIFI: OK, I like it, we can work on the name later. We need a replacement for Eureka, Stargate Atlantis and, well, most of our schedule anyway. These will be a good start toward cost-effective sci-fi programming.